Oh, how many times have I thought this? I’ve even said it a few times to my husband–perhaps I should change the word “said” to “yelled?” Yes, when we know we’re right, we know it. One of the most challenging things in a relationship is letting the other have their way when we know our way is the best. What I’ve learned over the years, however, is that while my way is right for me, it isn’t always suitable for him. And even if it was, sometimes, if a successful relationship is a goal, it’s better just to let it go.
Knowing When to Let It Go
There are things we can allow and things we cannot. First, anything that hurts you physically and mentally is never acceptable. But once we’re past that, there are certain things that we can let pass so that we don’t upset the apple cart. For example, a couple we are close to is constantly at odds, mainly because the female half of the couple is oversensitive and becomes upset over every little comment she finds offensive. Now, I’ve been around them quite a bit. I’ve never seen any comment be overly negative or nasty.
This woman is of advanced age–we’ve all been around a while–and will pout like a child and stomp out of the restaurant. For example, the man had recently accidentally called her by his ex-wife’s name. Now is that upsetting? Of course, it is. But he had been married for thirty-five years and only divorced for five! He didn’t purposely mean to hurt her.
I followed the lady out of the restaurant and counseled her to let it go. But she then began to list all his mistakes over the last three years they had been dating! She had held onto everything. I had known the man and his ex-wife, not her, for many years, but for some reason, this woman couldn’t believe I couldn’t be on her side because she knew she was right. And in addition, she couldn’t figure out why nobody was ever on her side. “I know I’m right! I know I’m right!” she continued to exclaim, ‘and everyone always takes his side!”
Whoa! There were so many places I could have gone with that one–and I just wanted to go home. Instead, we were out for a fun night, and now I was supposed to be a therapist and a relationship counselor. Why does everyone think romance writers must have a master’s degree in psychology? Well, I know why but that can be for another time.
My point is that this relationship will never last if this woman continues to hold onto every minor infraction. It didn’t wonder to me why she had not been remarried since divorcing in her late twenties. If you don’t want to have a relationship full of contentiousness like the one above, you may want to be on the lookout for the signs below.
There should be no sides.
There shouldn’t be his side and my side. The only side should be on our side. Any relationship that will last is one where both partners see themselves as one unit facing the world together.
The other person always has to be correct.
I like to drive to the grocery store one way. My husband feels it’s better to take another route. When we go together, and he is driving, I want to say that my way is better–BECAUSE IT IS. But I don’t. Do you know why? Because the two minutes we would gain isn’t worth the hit to his ego, it would be. Let it go. If you’re with someone who can never let the small stuff like this go, maybe this isn’t someone right for you.
They can never be the first to say, “I’m sorry.”
We all make mistakes in our relationships. It’s okay. We are all learning. But when we do cause our significant other to feel bad, we need to apologize. If this never happens, it’s a huge red flag.
They hold on to grudges.
Not only can this person never forgive, but if they keep bringing up small stuff from the past, they run away. Really, who wants to live like that?! I make mistakes every day and don’t need to be reminded of them. This is not good for anyone’s self-esteem.
Grace and Acceptance Every Time
No one is perfect. No one. Which is why we must accept our lover’s mistakes with grace. We can tell them they hurt us. We can ask that they not do it again. But stay away from harping on those little things. If you dislike how he squeezes the toothpaste tube, buy two. It’s not worth the fight. If he always tells the same joke when you’re out with a new group, smile, and laugh.
I could list the things my husband does that make me cringe, but why? There are exponentially more things he does that make me smile and love him. Those are what I concentrate on, and I genuinely believe it is one of the main reasons our marriage is as strong as it is. I focus on the positive, so the positive is what I see.
