Arguments happen to the best of couples sometimes. Fights happen when minor disagreements balloon into gigantic arguments. Might the battle begin with an insignificant comment you make? Or may it come about because of those last-minute plans that had to be changed? And sometimes, ongoing tension in the household surrounding money, in-laws, childcare, and chores escalate. Sometimes the frustration cannot be avoided, and you find yourself in a full-blown meltdown.
Quarreling with your partner once in a while is typical and expected. Whatever you’re fighting about matters to one or both of you enough to fight over. However, allowing a fight to fester and the brew isn’t okay. The longer people allow emotions of anger and sadness to build, the more negative the general outcome becomes, and the opportunity for healthy problem-solving goes out the window. Going to bed angry is the worst thing a couple can do. So do not let your anger brew.
Why Saying “Goodnight” Matters
Going to bed angry is a bad idea all the way around. Many people erroneously believe that they can sleep off an argument’s hurt, pain, and loneliness and later wake up feeling refreshed. But this isn’t true. Arguing before sleep can quickly become a toxic pattern that has lasting damage. When you fall asleep angry, the brain puts the negative experience into your long-term memory. So, unbeknownst to the dreamer, while they sleep, the fight leaves a lasting impression on their memory. Trying to “sleep it off” intensifies the anger, which is not good.
The mounting hostility, in the end, can destroy your loving connection. You start to speak less and less. The arguments get more regular. Soon, you find yourselves sleeping in separate rooms. Your partner will eventually become the last person you turn to when they should be your first. In a relationship, unresolved anger is toxic.
Reasons for Going to Bed Angry
So, why do we do it?
The number one reason why couples go to bed angry is avoidance. Couples think that if they ignore the problem, it may just disappear. On top of that, lots of individuals fear that talking about taboo subjects will only make things worse. In addition, some couples lack basic communication skills. They don’t know how to express their disappointments, insecurities, and anger. Add to this the fear of alienating the person closest to us; it is no wonder that people go to extremes to avoid arguing.
Sleeping Angry Can Make You Sick
Harboring hostile feelings during the night has negative emotional and health consequences. High blood pressure, sores, inflammation, headaches, and stomach issues abound. Arguing also releases the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. As a result, you are left exhausted and short-tempered in the morning, which further diminishes your health. Couples who fall into this unhealthy pattern of anger, sleep, exhaustion, anger, sleep, and exhaustion sometimes struggle to recover from its destructive way. Fatigue increases the inability to reason, which leads to more arguments.
How to Avoid Angry Nights
Try the following: if you and your partner are arguing before the lights go out. Do some deep breathing. Walk away, read a book, listen to music, or make a cup of tea. Suggest a little alone time. Collect your thoughts. Remember how much you love your partner. Sometimes a gratitude list focused on your relationship or your partner can help. And keep criticism at bay. Agree to postpone conversations until the morning after a good night’s sleep.
Letting your partner talk is the best way to dissolve anger before bed. Genuinely listen and acknowledge what they have to say. People want to be heard and understood. Reassure your partner that you love and appreciate them.
And always try to end each day with a goodnight kiss. You may not always agree on things before the lights turn off, but you can decide on one thing. Love can conquer all if you allow it.
