We often find it hard to admit to ourselves and others that we can be judgmental and expect too much. The reality is people have biases. It is part of the human condition. We see the world based on the things we see, hear and learn about over time. Our personal view of life builds biases that can be positive when used correctly but deadly when misused, especially in a dating or marital relationship.
If a judgment goes too far, it can get in the way of a healthy relationship. Unmet expectations are fueled by judgments that can destroy a relationship quicker than anything else.
Common Ideological Backgrounds
The question is how to identify when a bias not shared by your mate can affect how you see the other person. It is essential to have common ideological backgrounds. It becomes tricky when the person you are with constantly condemns your actions or disagrees with your opinions. If you base your judgment on unmet expectations, you need to step back and make sure you are reacting to what is happening and not what you think should be happening.
The Land of “Should”
If you judge your partner by what you think they should be doing instead of what they are doing, you are letting biases get in your judgment. When you think about whether they “should” be doing this or that, it only creates unwanted space between you and your partner.
In your opinion, what someone should be doing may make perfect sense to you. But unless your mate is doing something extreme such as breaking the law or putting their health at risk, they are the one who needs to change their thinking. So look at it from their point of view and put your bias in place.
Open the Door
Considering how it would be to “put yourself in their shoes” regarding a particular situation is essential. Instead of being judgmental, you become curious. And being curious opens the door to making a stronger connection. Focusing on them helps remove the biased glasses you may be looking through.
Put Your Biases Aside
When you are concerned about your partner, you should put your biases aside, especially if the problem concerns trivial matters. For example, there is a big difference between being concerned about how your partner consumes alcohol and how they fold the laundry. And yet you may be surprised to discover just how big an issue something as trivial as that can be.
Know When to Let It Go
It would help if you were careful about your biases towards your partner. For example, a preference is a warning, a yield sign that alerts you to look for oncoming traffic. But if the traffic is not there, you can proceed.
Bias should be considered and then quickly resolved.
Otherwise, a tendency can grow into something so significant it can hurt your relationship, even if the assumption is true or untrue. While a tiny thing may be trivial, several small things can add to a big thing.
If you do not like how your partner is folding the laundry, how they hold their hands when eating, or the types of movies they enjoy, you should consider the bias resolved and put it away. Otherwise, it will start to color your opinion about your partner’s other things. And this only puts distance between you and the person you love.
