When people hold onto the past, it often prevents them from moving forward in their relationships. They may be afraid to let go of what has already happened, or they may not be able to trust that the current relationship will be good enough. These fears can keep couples from communicating and growing together. If you are in a relationship where one person is clinging to the past, it might be helpful to talk about your concerns and find a way to work through them. But unfortunately, the past can be a place of hurt, pain, and betrayal.
It is essential to understand that your partner may have suffered abuse in the past, or they may have had a difficult childhood or other experiences that make it hard for them to trust you. If you feel uncomfortable with a discussion of your partner’s past, it might be helpful to discuss this with them. However, don’t expect your partner to open up without some encouragement. It is always crucial for a partnership to feel safe enough to share complex issues.
Some things you can do to help your partner move past their past include:
When someone is dealing with a lot of pain from their past, it can be difficult for them to move on. If you want to help your partner move past their history, there are some things you can do.
First, be supportive and understanding. Let your partner know you are there for them and will help them through this process. Find the most successful way to communicate with your partner about this particular issue. Perhaps a series of emails or texts would help if they are more into writing. If they prefer face-to-face, make time for them and truly listen. Please do not go in with a personal agenda, but truly listen to what they are saying to you. Many past hurts occurred when someone wasn’t listening to another person’s actual needs, desires, or concerns.
Second, don’t push them. Your partner will likely need time to work through their feelings independently. Sometimes this can be challenging as we try to “fix” the problem, so it doesn’t cause our partner any more pain. Being there to support them while they find solutions to any issue is the healthiest way. Finally, avoiding co-dependency is very important. Allow yourselves to become interdependent, which will grow into a more healthy relationship that will stand the test of time.
Third, provide a listening ear. Allow your partner to talk about their experiences and what they are going through. Sometimes this can be hard too. Your partner may be very verbal and want to talk about a past issue a little longer than you think necessary, but remember, this isn’t your issue. It is theirs, so let them talk with you and listen, really listen.
Finally, be patient. It may take time for your partner to heal from their past experiences fully. The saying, “Patience is a virtue,” plays a vital role in success. In our get-it-now society, we often want to fix things immediately. However, emotions and past pain is something that takes time to heal. Allow your partner this space. Be a friend to them but do not demand them to “hurry up” or “get over it.” Sometimes a third party, such as a counselor or life coach, may help you grow past this pain.
Healthy communication in your new relationship is indeed key to success. For a connection to move forward as a new relationship, you must be willing to let go of past hurts, expectations, failures, and successes. Comparison is not a good place for a relationship to grow. It can’t grow there. We often think that the past hurts are the only things we have to overcome, but sometimes past successes slow us down too. So make sure you are not unknowingly comparing your current relationship with your past.
Your new relationship offers many beautiful opportunities to grow. Sometimes seeing it as closing one book and starting fresh writing a new one may be most helpful. Not that the last book disappears. It may be time to put it on a shelf and enjoy your new adventure. Remember, looking back. You cannot move forward with your heart, mind, or soul.
