Isn’t it funny that when anyone uses the word “trigger,” we all get anxious and jumpy emotionally? Of course, even the word elicits a response, but knowing your triggers and your partner’s triggers can be a good step in the right direction to a healthy relationship. In any relationship, it’s essential to be aware of what sets off your partner so you can avoid arguments. But it’s also crucial to know your triggers and how to manage them. Being mindful of your and your partner’s triggers can make your relationship more substantial and harmonious.
Triggers are like emotional land mines. When you step on one, it explodes, taking you off-balance and out of control. For example, you might have a motivation easily set off by a specific tone of voice or a word. Or maybe you’re sensitive to criticism of your work. You might get triggered by a particular behavior, such as someone who is always late or a friend who never cleans up after themself. Or you might be triggered when people don’t follow through on what they say they’re doing. Maybe you’re a perfectionist and get triggered when you make a mistake or fall short of your expectations.
Taking time to define your triggers will help you to respond better when they arise or avoid them altogether. If you don’t know what triggers you, ask yourself:
What makes me angry?
What am I afraid of?
Who or what makes me feel anxious?
What do I often feel ashamed about?
What makes me feel powerless or out of control?
What makes me want to self-sabotage my life, such as overeating, drinking, overspending, or working too much?
Journaling may be a good way of putting your triggers in focus. There is something very therapeutic about writing things down. Be gentle with yourself in the process, as you need to remember you are on a journey of self-healing, not criticism. Once you are fully able to define a trigger, then go to the root of the trigger. For example, does someone raising their voice while talking to you remind you of a constantly critical boss?
Your response is likely rooted in a time when you continually felt threatened or had to defend yourself. Next, place the trigger in perspective. Perhaps you don’t work for that boss any longer, and you have to realize the person raising their voice is not being critical but may be upset. If you can take time and find the root of your triggers the next time someone sets one of yours off, you can start mentally from a place of power instead of an emotional reaction. Not that it always works, but starting with self is always a healthier platform than just reaction.
Paying attention though not obsessing over your partner’s triggers, is essential too. Though self-work is recommended first, take a little time to look gently at your partner. Consider when things get heated between you, are there common factors? Factors can include tone of voice, location, or even topic. When you are not in a “heated” situation and can sit down and talk, discussing triggers could prove to be very helpful in strengthening your relationship. After all, it takes two willing individuals to have a successful relationship. Many warnings come too with this particular topic.
If you are willing to dig into your triggers and share them with your partner, ensure you are both in the same healthy place. Unfortunately, some unhealthy relationships can utilize this information for more harm than good. If, for example, your partner knows your triggers and uses them for some form of emotional abuse, counseling is the only thing that will be able to help solve the issue. However, if the relationship is healthy and happy most of the time, the trigger disclosure process is a win/win. Once you realize that wearing orange triggers anger in your partner because of a childhood experience, it may be time to sort out the orange and take it to a resale shop.
Love grows when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and let our partner have the same opportunity. Remember to always take time with yourself first to see why something is happening before assuming it is all your partner’s issue. Time, space, honesty, and self-reflection help you become a better version of yourself to share with others, especially the ones you love the most.
